Slow the F*ck Down

 

“Should I go and get my CV?”

“Yes, please!”

I got up, turned around and sprinted to grab my CV.

“BAM!”

The next moment, I was on the floor with a weird pain near my lips in a room full of recruiters staring down at me. Someone asked, “Are you alright?”

“I am fi…”

There was blood on my hand and the floor, and someone shouted, “You are not fine!”

-:-

I have been beating myself up for the past 12-15 months. I have this weird need to feel perfect and not fuck anything up… again! It feels like I am trying hard to hold onto something pricky like a barbed wire. I know it is cutting my flesh and still, I don’t want to let it go.

I am 24 and I feel like this is the only time I can do something worthwhile, make a career, get a job, find my passion, give time to my family, make friends, live a life, and the list goes on. I feel this burden of doing all the right things at this exact time. Why do I feel so? That story is petty as hell!

I have always been an academically decent girl. Academic validation feeds my ego. But I always feel as if I am only catching low-hanging fruits, and not reaching my full potential. I wanted to tackle this issue and so I chose the hardest major and hardest minor without any prior background in it. I said, “I will get the best out of this degree!”

With extravagant goals and borrowed optimism and confidence, I started the second year of my MBA. I knew I had to work harder than others to prove my worth to recruiters. I also knew that this was the last year (a few months) I could hang out as a student with my friends. Additionally, I convinced myself that I would not be able to see my family as much as I wanted once I entered corporate. The perfectionist in me wanted to achieve all these things at the same time!

I was working hard on my academics. I was crafting my CV to perfection. I was grabbing any and every opportunity to make a CV pointer out of it. At the same time, I was attending all the parties. I was visiting my home whenever possible. I was doing all of it and I was feeling good about it. I was at the top of my world until I fell face-first. Not metaphorically, but literally!

I was shortlisted for this really great company, with a really great package and my dream location, Pune! I had a little hope that I might get everything I wanted then and there. But the recruitment process was a stressful process (some recruiters deliberately make simple processes stressful to show off how cool and scary their job is… like wtf dude?). We were stranded in an academic complex for 2 nights. It might be easy for some people but my life taught me a lesson to remember.

We were at the academic complex from 7 PM to 1 AM and were instructed to stay awake till 2 AM for further information. This further information came at 5 PM the next day. Then again, we were kept hostage until further information. They were testing our patience and I don’t know for what! The placement committee (that I was scared of so much) was supporting us and keeping our motivation high. But so much can be done when the body and mind are subjected to intense stress.

My first interview happened at around 10 PM. I wasn’t expecting a call for the second round. And I still wish that call would have never come (at least I would have my face intact!). When I entered the room I had no idea what was coming next!

-:-

“Hello, Shivani!”

“Hello, sir.”

“I actually don’t have your CV with me.”

“Should I go and get my CV?”

“Yes, please!”

I do not remember what exactly happened after I got up and turned around to get my CV. I am not sure whether I fainted, tripped or twisted my ankle. All I can remember is there was blood rushing from my face, on my hand and on the floor. One of my seniors (who came with the recruitment team) helped me up and pressed his handkerchief on my lips. Everyone was looking at me, shouting to get a car to take me to the hospital; a pool of people, and my friends surrounded me. I was trying hard to keep my composure and not cry. And then someone told me, “It’s okay, you can cry if you want.”

Tears gushed through my eyes and my entire life flashed in front of me. I felt so lonely at that very moment. Everyone was attending to me and still, I felt the loneliest and the only thing I wanted was my family. I was pressing someone’s hand, someone was keeping my head leaned back, someone was calming me down and I am so grateful to all these people. I was taken to the hospital in a friend’s car with another friend holding me tight till we reached the hospital. I had them by my side all the time. I cannot express my gratitude to these guys in words.

I was pretty calmed down when I reached the hospital and now my brain was screaming, “You stupid bi*ch, now just pray that you don’t get stitches on your already ugly face!” It is wonderful how the organ that controls everything can say the most derogatory things in the most unexpected situations. Fortunately, I did not get any stitches. Just a big ugly gauze and medical tape combo on my face. My friend helped me collect the medicines and we were back where it all started.

I went back into that interview room. I could see a little pool of blood on the floor. I did not want this job anymore. At that moment, I did not want any job anymore! I wanted to go back to the little town I came from. I wanted to go back, do a non-corporate job, maybe start a cafe and live a stagnant life. I wanted to eat decent food and go to sleep at decent hours. I completed my interview and this time I begged God to be rejected. Like always, God granted my wishes.

I had little to no food in my stomach. I had absolutely no energy to go and get any food at 2 AM. And as I would later realize, I cannot eat solid foods properly. I came back to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt lonely, disgusted, and worthless. But I could feel how my body and mind were begging me to stop and lay down.

Here I am today; I am laying in my bed for 2 days straight now. I don’t want to move. Not that I can move. There is an ugly cut below my lip and bruises on my hands and knees. My mind is still numb and I still want to go back to my hometown to work in a shop or a bakery or a cafe. 

I accidentally girlbossed too hard and my life said, “Slow the F*ck Down!”